Article Archive

January 2018 (2)

December 2017 (1)

November 2017 (9)

October 2017 (7)

September 2017 (4)

August 2017 (5)

July 2017 (4)

June 2017 (1)

May 2017 (3)

April 2017 (4)

March 2017 (1)

February 2017 (2)

January 2017 (1)

December 2016 (5)

November 2016 (3)

October 2016 (5)

September 2016 (8)

August 2016 (6)

July 2016 (2)

June 2016 (1)

May 2016 (3)

April 2016 (9)

March 2016 (20)

February 2016 (2)

January 2016 (20)

December 2015 (8)

November 2015 (35)

October 2015 (49)

September 2015 (44)

August 2015 (38)

July 2015 (63)

This Week's Top Stories

  1. Should I Have a Massage or Bowen Therapy
  2. Changing on the Inside to Improve the Outside
  3. Living with the Rhythms of the Seasons
  4. Acupressure massage in the workplace
  5. The Power of Reflexology
  6. Tension Triangle
  7. Beliefs: Are You Living Your Best Life?
  8. Reiki: 'learn' to do it for yourself!
  9. Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway!®
  10. Anxiety, Panic & Claustrophobia: Case Study, Alison

Rebellious Kids...either your own children or your own internal child can cause problems. Why do Kids become rebellious?

Posted by Jules Marshall

685 Days Ago


Rebellious Kids!

What does having a rebellious child mean for you?  If you have a teenager you will have an idea… surly, grumpy, un-responsive. What is it all about? Why do kids need to go through that stage and why are some worse than others? In essence, what the rebellious kid is doing is developing and desperately trying to hang on to their sense of identity. As any child develops, one of the main tasks of life is trying to figure out who he/she is... we call it a "sense of self". If the kid sees people, parents particularly, as getting in the way of that he/she has a choice...he/she can conform and do what the big people want...or he/she can rebel.

When a child is very small...and there are some very rebellious toddlers...he/she usually learns to conform. That is, do what the "Big People" want them to do. Why do they do that? Generally, because what happens after the compliant behaviour is something that they like; a smile, a stroke, something that tells them that the behaviour was approved of. They then attach that to their sense of who they are. They conclude that who they are is approved of.

So what happens with a rebellious kid? This is a slightly more sophisticated process. The rebellious kid sees conforming as losing something...rather than gaining something. They are losing a sense of their autonomy and power. I remember well the first time my 2 year old daughter said,

"No! Me do it!”, to her older brother. That sense of power and autonomy is what gives a child confidence in their own abilities. If they are allowed and encouraged to take their power, they don't have to fight for it by being rebellious.

Traditionally, the sense is that conforming as good and rebellion is bad. This can also influence how a child then thinks of them self. The thinking goes:

‘If I am compliant, I am thought of as good and people will like me. If I am rebellious I am bad and I will be thought of as trouble, and not approved of, so that must make me a bad person.’

This can be very confusing for a child that is trying to develop its ideas of who they are.

‘If I want to be me...think like I think, feel what I feel, and do what I want...the big people will not like me and think I am bad. If I be who they want me to be by ignoring what I really want, what I really think and what I really feel, then I will be approved of and they will like me. How does a child deal with that?

To some kids it is obvious that overt rebellion would not be a good idea as they are fully aware it brings very negative consequences: punishment, withdrawal, disapproval. These children learn that to hang on to their ‘sense of self’ they have to rebel but in a very passive way. Have you had the experience where you ask a child to do something, they appear compliant by agreeing to do as you ask and then never actually getting around to doing it.  These kids are the ‘Passive Aggressives’ of the future, in training!

Maybe you are aware of the ‘Conforming’ or ‘Rebelling’ kid in you and wondered about it. A rebellious kid can often get itself into a lot of trouble...even though it is aware there are options for doing it differently. Maybe you get angry with yourself for being so compliant with everyone...when you don't really want to.... Maybe you are aware of the Passive aggressive streak in you that doesn’t really get you what you want, or the internal conflict between being compliant or rebellious.

If you are interested in learning more about compliant and rebellious kids either in your children or internally within your own make up, contact Jules about learning more about Transactional Analysis.

Jules Marshall

Article written by Jules Marshall - Llandeilo

Prior to setting up my private practice I worked for several years in the field of mental health where I gained experience of working with individuals, couples and groups in NHS Primary Care, rehabilitation and forensic environments. Currently I run a Counselling and Psychotherapy private practice that has... [read more]

Counselling
Psychotherapy

View Profile


Find us on Facebook Follow us on Twitter

© Find a Private Tutor Ltd, 2014 / View our Privacy Policy / Website by Simon Hix.