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Understanding Self

Posted by Fran Roberts

610 Days Ago


We often develop unhelpful stories when we are young and unable to emotionally process what is happening. These stories are developed to help us cope at the time but often end up becoming thorns in our side as we grow older. We struggle to develop healthy relationships or commit to things but we don’t understand why. We get stuck in jobs we hate and relationships that don’t work and we can’t seem to find a way out. And somewhere deep inside we believe that we deserve this or that this is just how life is.

We spend our lives looking for and only finding evidence to back up our stories. I am not good enough. And each time we find something that we feel proves this we add it to our story and lock it down even more. But we often ignore evidence to the contrary believing it to be false or a one-off. You don’t like the way you look and someone gives you a compliment so you brush it off thinking ‘they are only being nice’. But you notice someone watching as you walk by and it must be because you look awful or have a big arse. Each time we talk to ourselves like this we hold that story in place and the ‘self’ struggles to surface.

Everyone has their own reality that they walk around in. When you walk past someone on the street they perceive the world through their own lenses. You have no idea how they see things and they have no idea how you see things. You could both see a mother and child walk past. For one person that is something beautiful and heart-warming. For someone struggling to conceive it could be painful and a harsh reminder of what they don’t have. When we start to realise that everyone has their own story and everyone is seeking evidence to back them up we start to see how complex relationships and interactions are and how easy it is to misunderstand someone else’s intentions.

Through talking therapy you can explore your story and understand your motivations.  This in turn will give you the tools you need to move forward in the direction that is right for you. 

Fran Roberts

Article written by Fran Roberts - London

I am an Integrative counsellor and use a variety of approaches including CBT, MBCT, person centred and solution focused brief therapy. I combine these approaches according to the clients' needs, believing strongly that no two people or issue can be solved with one process. I specialise in many areas including... [read more]

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