The vulnerable musings of a shameful man. On a chilly spring night, full moon, reflecting...
Year 5 of opening the door to the art of self reflection, defences high, humour at full pelt, blissfully unaware of the pain that lies beneath.
This isn't a "my pain is worse than yours" "men have it harder", I've seen the pain we all go through, practicing counselling for over 3 years and trying to understand the experiences of the individual sitting in front of me, not the man, not the woman, just the person I have here in front of me! But this isn't about them, this is about me and what I've been through. The expectations, the responsibility, other people are hurting, they need you, your pain? Pah! It's not important, you have big shoulders, you can bear the weight, but these people, the loved ones, family, friends, you need to be there for them!
From a young boy it's always.... be kind, growing up in a family of 4 boys, second oldest, middle child for a long time. Emotions were shamed "look he is crying!" "Be a big boy!" Not all out of malice, I'm sure a lot out of protection of people's own emotions, they don't like seeing a child upset, I need to stop the crying to rescue "them" was it for the child? Or was it for you?
And so it begins! Those conditions of worth pumped in, slowly ignoring your own feelings for the behest of someone else's and that's good isn't it? Being kind, being aware of others emotions over your own, you'll be fine! They need you! Before you know it your worth is wrapped up in fixing people, you make them laugh, you make them smile, you win! They are happy! Humour becomes your defence from uncomfortable emotions that you can't even identify, let alone feel.
Childhood is a blur, haunting glimpses of what was, no context, no emotions, just things that happened. Before you know it you are 29, married, dreaming of the family you've wanted as a teenager, being the dad you never had for the child that deserves more than you got. It comes! ecstatic! Pregnancy! From hearing the lyrics to Creed - with arms wide open in your teens and dreaming of feeling that in real life it finally happens! And it's snatched away.
What do you do? You break down? You cry? You scream to the heavens in anger? Nope! You don't know how to feel that, vulnerability??? Nah, you are there for everyone else's tears and you carry on with life, work, focus on what you can do for others which is where your worth lies of course, if you can make everyone else feel better then you feel a purpose in life and that's where I stuck for another 5 years, going through more loss, death of in-laws, does this break you? No! Your shoulders are far too big and you have your purpose, you need to be there for everyone else who's hurting, I can't hurt, I don't know how to hurt? But I can stifle everyone else's pain.
Luckily I was already on the path of the counselling courses, forced self reflection! "What do you mean I need to self reflect? I am fine, nothing breaks me!" Oh how wrong was I? Turns out very!!! When you're busy looking out at everyone else who needs help and you're forced to stop all the distractions, all the tasks, the work, the hours of "doing things" watching shows that are everyone else's struggles and keeping you away from your own and you look in the mirror, barriers start to break. It turns out for me, it took a certain comedian by the name Ricky Gervais, a story about grief and suicidality except for one thing that kept him going.... A dog! I can't die, she needs me! That absolutely broke me, was it just out of empathy? Maybe. Was it because there was a wound so deep in me that it made me realise I was alive for others? I think so but that programme there Afterlife broke me, broke the barriers, the huge walls holding back the emotion crumbled and with it came a flood of emotions that I didn't know was there, pain I didn't know I had and with it, so so so much shame, embarrassment, humiliation that a weakness appeared in my armour and I couldn't mend it, my wounds were open and vulnerable and I couldn't stop the emotions from cascading and among that feeling of shame, came relief! I couldn't stop watching even though it was breaking me day after day, in the safety of my living room, away from work, away from distractions, lockdown provided the perfect storm to unleash the hidden flood within.
It's been a long road since, examining wounds, triggers, self-worth challenges, finding the path of counselling only to realise it plays into my wounds of trying to "fix others" and giving me purpose. I share this not for sympathy, I absolutely hate that, but seeing more and more men out there right now experiencing similar expectations and responsibilities they place on themselves and I just want others in this situation to know that there is help out there. You may think you're ok and I pray that you are, but when you are starting to realise you're not, no one out there will judge you half as much as you judge yourself! If it wasn't for my counselling journey and lockdown coming at the exact time I needed it, who knows where I would be now and the thought of that terrifies me! If it takes even just one person to read this and think "I will just try" then that fills me with joy!
Emotions aren't a choice, they are inevitable from life events and you are allowed to feel them. I don't judge, I just want to understand your experiences from your perception.
If you want to know more please free to visit www.davidlewiscounselling.com/mens-mental-health
Book a free consultation call, even if not to start counselling but just to talk, be curious and ask any questions you may have and I will answer open and honestly.
David
(Counsellor, fellow human and still figuring it out.)