How Family Constellations Bring Ease Back Into Relationships
The Orders of Love Bert Hellinger: “Love follows the order of the hidden Greater Soul”
If you’re new to Family Constellations, the phrase “Orders of Love” can sound a little mysterious. But really, it’s a simple way of describing the natural patterns that help families function well. When these patterns are respected, things feel easier. When they’re disrupted, life can feel heavy or confusing, even if we don’t know why.
Bert Hellinger, the founder of Family Constellations, said that love follows the order of the hidden Greater Soul. This is his idea, or discovery, that the Greater Soul, or knowing field, of consciousness or Family Soul I wrote about yesterday.
He taught that love alone is not enough for relationships to flourish. Love needs a framework, a structure, a kind of holding that allows it to work. He likened love to water and order to the jug that holds it. When love ignores these hidden systemic laws, it can lead to entanglements, illness and suffering. When order is restored, love can flow again and healing becomes possible.
Families have a natural structure or architecture. When that structure is in place, love can move freely. When it gets tangled, someone later in the family often ends up carrying the weight for other family members.
There are three main Orders of Love. Let me share them with you in plain English, with a little example from my own life and from the sessions I run.
Belonging – Everyone has a place
This is the first and most important order. Every single person in a family has an equal right to belong. Even those who were forgotten, shamed, rejected or never spoken about.
How it shows up in my work
Sometimes a client mentions a stillborn sibling almost in passing, or a child who was adopted out, or a parent’s first partner who was never acknowledged. The moment that person is included, acknowledged and respected in the constellation, the whole energy in the room shifts. People breathe more deeply. The client’s body softens. It feels as if the system says, “Thank you. We are more complete. Now we can rest.” This is a deeply embodied experience, not a left-brain transactional or analytical sentence.
A personal moment
The first time I acknowledged my Grandfather’s first wife, a woman’s who, I never knew though she held some fascination for me. All I know is that she had 4 children and went to an asylum and never came back. In the 1910s this is often how woman were treated, and cared for. Perhaps it was trauma from living through the war with young children, perhaps some overwhelm from the child births themselves, I don’t know. But I used to think about her a lot.
Without her stepping aside, or being put aside from the first family, there would have been no space for my grandma in the family, and therefore for my dad and my own family. I was unconsciously holding something for the family system and trying to remember her. When she was given her place, with love and respect in the constellation, I felt something settle inside me. I didn’t know her, but bowing to her fate brought a sense of grounding in me. It was such a simple act, yet it changed something deep within me. I have now found her name and some more details of her life, and deeply honour her difficult fate.
Order – Those who came first, come first
This isn’t about hierarchy or power. It’s about the natural flow of life: parents come before children, older siblings before younger ones, previous partners before new ones.
When this order is somehow muddled, things get tangled within us and the family field we live in.
How it shows up in my work
A client as a child might have been caring for a parent emotionally or practically, almost like they were the parent’s parent or partner. When we gently put things back in the right order in the constellation, the client feels more supported, someone has their back, they feel strengthened and more able to carry what is theirs and live their own life.
A personal moment
I’ve had noticed a big age gap between two of my siblings and remembered a story about my mum having a miscarriage. Sometimes I’ve felt as if I was standing in the wrong place in my own family, trying to take responsibility for something that wasn’t mine. When we included this miscarried child in a constellation, the relief of stepping back into my rightful place was enormous. It felt like putting down a heavy rucksack I didn’t know I was carrying. I am the sixth child, the fifth living child in this family. This feels true, and has the ring of truth in my body, like the clear sound of a bell ringing.
Balance – Giving and taking
This order shows up most clearly in adult relationships. Between partners, there needs to be a balance of giving and receiving. Not perfectly equal, but a living exchange. A little more here, a little more there.
Between parents and children, it’s different: Parents give. Children receive. That’s the natural order and movement.
How it shows up in my work
I remember a client who would give endlessly in her family relationships but struggled to receive. When we explored their family system, we found a place where the natural flow was interrupted. Their mother was ill after birth and she and the client as a baby were separated for a while. This kind of disruption can be very hard on both the mother and the baby in those tender early days. When a new baby reaches for their Mothering person and they are not there, or not available, the baby often gives up, the disappointment is too much and the 'danger' too scary, so they shut down emotionally and stop reaching. In constellations work we can help restore that flow of love, and this can be life changing. Even if the mother is no longer alive, or was not known to the client. We all carry neurons in our brain about these important relationships, and this is what can be updated.
A personal moment
Learning to receive has been one of my biggest lessons. I used to think giving made me strong or somehow better than others. That I would have to give in order to earn whatever I was given. This makes sense on the larger stage of my family, as my maternal grandma was adopted within the family, as her parents struggled to feed their family and had more children than they could care for. My grandma died when I was about 5 years old, and as the youngest child, it was me holding my grandad’s hand in church. Seeing my great-grandparents in my constellation helped me make sense of the enormous decision they had to take, and the cost it had on my grandma. Somehow my big heart had been trying to help carry some of this burden for her. Seeing them and my place in the line of strong women, helps me to receive and has softened me in ways I didn’t expect.
What happens when order is restored
This is my favourite part of the work.
When someone takes their rightful place, something shifts in the knowing field immediately.
The room becomes quieter. The client’s face softens. Their breath deepens. Their eyes brighten. Sometimes tears come, sometimes laughter. But always, there is relief.
It feels like Life saying, “Yes. This is better.”
I remember after one of my own constellations, someone said I looked 10 years younger. My eyes were sparkling, my complexion had changed and I was full of life.
Why I love this work
I love it because it is honest. It doesn’t pretend families are perfect. It doesn’t judge. It simply reveals What Is, and helps us find a more natural, more human way to stand in our own lives.
I love it because it brings dignity back to people who were forgotten. It brings strength back to people who felt weak. It brings movement back to places that were stuck. We can do work, say things, and find movements in constellations that are not possible in daily family life.
And I love it because it has changed me. How I relate. How I listen. How I stand in my own family and in my work.
The Orders of Love are not rules. They are invitations. When we follow them, love can flow again.
If you are curious to know how this might work for you and your challenges, please get in touch. I'm happy to have a chat and see if this is a good healing modality for you.
As seen in the Netflix drama series AnotherSelf.